Children and grief
How to help children understand and cope with the death of a loved one. Age-appropriate guidance for supporting grieving children.
Children grieve differently
Children may not grieve the way adults expect. They may seem fine one moment and upset the next. They may express grief through behavior changes, play, or physical complaints rather than words. This is all normal.
By age group
Under 3 years
Very young children do not understand death, but they sense changes in routine and the emotions of those around them. They may become more clingy, fussy, or have disrupted sleep.
What helps: Maintain routines as much as possible. Provide extra physical comfort (holding, rocking). Keep their environment calm and stable.
Ages 3-5
Young children may see death as temporary or reversible ("When is Grandpa coming back?"). They may engage in "magical thinking," believing they caused the death through their thoughts or actions.
What helps: Use simple, honest language. Say "died" rather than "went to sleep" or "went away" (which can cause fear of sleeping or abandonment). Reassure them it was not their fault. Answer questions simply and repeat as needed.
Ages 6-9
Children this age begin to understand that death is permanent, but may personify it (the "death figure"). They may worry about other family members dying. They may ask very direct, sometimes uncomfortable questions.
What helps: Answer questions honestly. It is fine to say "I do not know" when you do not have an answer. Allow them to participate in rituals (funeral, memorial) if they want to. Watch for behavioral changes at school.
Ages 10-12
Pre-teens understand death as adults do. They may try to be "strong" to protect their parents. They may feel embarrassed about being different from peers or worry about practical matters (moving house, money).
What helps: Encourage them to express feelings without judgment. Let them know it is okay to cry and to feel any emotion. Involve them in age-appropriate decisions about memorials or rituals.
Teenagers (13-18)
Teenagers understand death fully but may struggle with intense emotions at an already turbulent time. They may withdraw, act out, or take risks. They may resist talking to family and prefer peers.
What helps: Respect their need for privacy while being available. Let them choose how to participate in rituals. Watch for risky behavior (substance use, self-harm). Consider peer support groups or individual counseling.
General guidelines
Be honest
Use clear, simple language. Avoid euphemisms like "passed away" or "lost." Children need to understand that the person has died and will not come back.
Maintain routines
Keep daily routines as stable as possible (school, meals, bedtime). Predictability provides a sense of security during an uncertain time.
Allow feelings
Let children know that all feelings are okay: sadness, anger, confusion, even laughter. There is no wrong way to feel. Model healthy emotional expression yourself.
Provide reassurance
Children often fear that other loved ones will also die or that they will be left alone. Reassure them that they are safe and loved and that people are taking care of them.
Include them
Give children the choice to participate in funerals, memorials, or visiting the grave. Prepare them for what to expect and let them decide. Never force participation.
Watch for signs
Some regression is normal (bedwetting, thumb-sucking in younger children). Watch for prolonged behavioral changes, academic decline, social withdrawal, or expressions of hopelessness.
When to seek professional help for a child
- Extended withdrawal from friends and activities (more than a few weeks)
- Significant decline in school performance
- Persistent nightmares or sleep problems
- Regression in development that does not improve
- Expressions of wanting to die or join the deceased person
- Aggressive or destructive behavior
Speak with your family doctor (médico de família) or contact the school psychologist for guidance and referrals.
Remember
Children learn to cope with grief by watching adults. Showing your own emotions in a healthy way gives them permission to do the same. Crying in front of them is not weakness; it is teaching them that it is normal to feel pain when we lose someone we love.
Activities that help
These activities can help children process their emotions and find healthy ways to remember the person who has died. Adapt each activity to the child's age and personality.
Memory box
Recommended age: All ages
Ask the child to choose a special box and decorate it. Together, select objects that remind them of the person who has died: photographs, a scarf, a ticket, a toy, a favourite recipe. The box can be opened whenever the child wants to remember or feel close.
Materials: Shoe box or decorative box, photographs, personal objects, decorating supplies (paints, stickers, glitter).
Unsent letter
Recommended age: 8 years and older
Invite the child to write a letter to the person who has died. They can tell them what they have been doing, what they wish they could say, or simply say goodbye. The letter can be kept in the memory box, placed beside a photograph, or symbolically released (attached to a balloon, for example).
Materials: Nice paper, coloured pens, envelope. Optional: helium balloon to symbolically release the letter.
Tree of people who care for me
Recommended age: 4 years and older
Draw a large tree on a sheet of paper. On each branch, the child writes or draws the name of a person who cares for them: parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, friends. The activity reinforces the understanding that, even with the loss, they are still surrounded by people who love and protect them.
Materials: Large sheet of paper (A3 or card), coloured pencils, felt-tip pens, stickers.
Feelings journal
Recommended age: 6 years and older
Give the child a special notebook, just for them. They can write, draw, stick in photographs, or simply scribble when they are angry. There are no rules. The important thing is that they have a private space to express what they feel, without judgement.
Materials: Notebook or diary, coloured pencils, pens, glue, scissors, magazines to cut out.
Tips for the activities
- Never force the child to participate – suggest it, but respect their wishes if they do not want to
- Participate yourself, showing that it is normal to express emotions
- Do not correct what the child writes or draws
- These activities can be repeated whenever the child needs them
Resources
Ask your health center (centro de saúde) about child psychology services available through the SNS. Many schools also have psychologists (psicólogo escolar) who can provide support. For immediate help, call the SNS 24 helpline at 808 200 204.